Turn and face the strain right?
Well it seems to be what I'm doing most these days. Witnessing changes. In myself and in others. Lots of changes going on. For me, for all of us. There are some internal some external. Some I want to talk about. Others I do not. It's all very much normal and part of real life I know. And we are all well aware that we as human beings dont really like change and therefore at large become creatures of habit naturally resisting change at first glimpse of it. At the very same time I know that the only thing that ever stays the same in this great big beautiful world is change itself. It's constant. It's reality. We cannot argue with reality. Well.. you can of course argue but you will lose. This I have learned. Lose big time. But only every single time.
So the changes come.
I'll start with the kids. They change everyday. Every single solitary day. Do I resist this? You betcha. Like the plague. But I am learning to lean into the discomfort. Really I am.
Here's what I'm talking about.
This guy.
External: just had his braces removed and is now sporting a million dollar smile and has grown nearly a foot since last spring.
His average everyday attire has changed to clothing as loud and as colorful as he can possible discover and afford. Lime greens the purple-est of purples. Loud! He can be found most days with ipod ear buds firmly implanted into the side of his head. It's a sight I never really thought I would experience way back in the day when I would gaze down into his two year old chubby angelic face and think it will be, he will always be this way. Forever.
Big changes. Indeed. I mourn and celebrate all in the same breath.
Internal: Becoming his own man so to speak. Rarley needs his mothers help if at all anymore. Argumentative of any suggestions I may give him about.. well... anything and there was a time when he really liked my ideas. Honest he did.
He was always helpful before but is now somewhat defiant. But still tries to be helpful. Most days. I can see a bit of neediness in the way of affection. He wants to hug his mother all the time. I love it. Is that normal for a teenage boy? Just curious. He's also gone from being not real sure about what he wants to be doing at any given time to now having really big dreams. Real big.
Man I love this kid!
Now for this one.
Oh my! Where to begin, I really dont know. Wait.. yes I do!
External: He's always been athletic but recently he's has become physically the most athletic little dude I've ever really known personally.
His cute little teeth with the adorable gaps and spaces now don a set of braces that make him look as if he's at the least three years older than he actually is. (bummer)
Has the most gorgeous blue eyes ever. That is not a change. (sorry I just cant resist them)
He's gone from having a good number of scraps and bruises on any given week to having far to many of the nastiest bumps and abrasions over the entirety of his body. Again far, far to many to possibly to keep track of. Of this I worry. I worry much. Help!
He once greatly enjoyed getting his hair "just right" before we left the house where now he never even tries to drag a comb across his locks. Luckily most days he has a skate helmet strapped to his head so it's really not much of a problem.
His old way of running and darting quickly everywhere he would go is gone. Now... he struts. Has his very own personal cantor. And it's one hundred percent original.
Internal: He's is determined. Wait he's been that way since six months of age. The word defines him completely. But heres a change, as tough as he has always been mentally I can see so much tenderness developing in him. This is good I do believe.
Here's a bad change (for me).. he use to be my personal cuddle bug. Not so much anymore. My kisses annoy and irritate. Total bummer. Also his usual jovial self has become somewhat troubled and a bit angry. This hurts my heart but I'm hoping it will soon switch to something more positive.
He wants things for himself far more mature than for a child his age. Where he use to play without awareness of time or trouble he now worries and fears. He's also determined his future life plans. Like for his whole life. Is this good or bad? Not sure about that at this point but I'll let you know.
That leaves me.
Changes in myself.. do I really want to go there. It could be very amusing. Comical at best. Externally: lets just say that after a girl turns a certain age things change. They change in many, many ways. There's a shift. The battle starts. We start to fight reality. The changes. Unpleasant changes. Our skin. The permanent jiggle. Forgetting things at the grocery. The greys that just a few short months ago could only be counted as maybe six or seven total have now made their way to the "way to too many to count" catagory and with that comes the overwhelming thought that things will never be the same. Ever. You can't go back. I'm there. All my girl peeps are there also and strugglin. And so it goes... we take better care of ourselves. We exercise. We eat the right things. We battle. This is all good and fine but, I'm realizing more than ever that again this change is something we gotta accept or the said battle could go on forever. And ever and ever. Yuck. Who wants that? Not me. I'm laying my weapons down. Well.. most of them anyway.
Internal: to many changes here that I just don't want to talk about but I will say that they run along the lines of signficant self realizations, major relationship changes and epic epiphanie's that have been life altering to say the least.
Here's a lightening bolt quote that I'm clinging too these days.
"She couldn't go back and make the details pretty, she could only go forward and make the whole beautiful" -Terri St. Cloud.
I can't waste anymore time trying to figure out the why's and what-ifs of the past. I've got to go forward. Alone. Confident and knowing that I can indeed make the "whole" beautiful.
It is in fact the only way to live.
Things change.
Here's to facing the strain. I wish you peace, love and hope that all us girls find a really good moisturizer.
The SLM
Hi Sonja,
It's Kay Ruleman. Your neighbor and friend from way back:). I have kept up with you over the years by way of your blog. I think you emailed the address several yrs ago and i have always read it. I just want to tell you how much your friendship meant to me during our horrible time. You were there for us too many times to count. I hate that I have lost touch with you and Keith and the boys. Man, have they grown up. Mine have too! I would love to meet you for coffee sometime and catch up. Your latest post sounds as if there are a lot of things going on for you. I hope everything is okay. You can email me or call my cell at 289-1177. I hope to hear from you soon.
Posted by: Kay Ruleman | March 28, 2011 at 04:34 PM
Fine lads you raised. Changes are happening all around us, for the better or for the worse. In case of your kids, I think they're changing for the better. Braces are the best way to straighten teeth, and by the looks of it the braces did their job well. Your son now has a million dollar smile. Congratulations!
Posted by: Fred Collinsworth | May 24, 2011 at 09:23 AM